To get control of my credit, sell the house, get divorced (not nec. in that order), find a smaller much less expensive house to buy (maybe with a fireplace and a little garage for a workshop, my two non-negotiables, that I let go last time!) even if I need my mom to cosign (which I probably will but she's tired of worrying about me so she will probably be ok with that, I've never been late on a mortgage payment in 15 years so she has nothing to worry about there) and get everything back to Good. I can't live in an emotional warzone anymore. It's been past long enough. I'm living in the house I grew up in and 18 years was too long for that too.
ETA: Wow, almost a year to the day from the last entry! And the exact same thing is going on! Ben is not speaking to me! There is REALLY no money right now, like, worse than ever. We are down 2k in YTD revenue at the clinic vs. this same time period (1/1 onward) last year and have heating bills topping $2,000 between clinic and the house, a 3 fold increase from this time last year. WHOAAAAAA.
This isn't sustainable. It's time to make it sustainable.
I've always had, at best, a complicated relationship with my mother. Strained, hateful, resentful, angry, avoidant, it's been all of these things and more. For a while in my 20s it was pleasantly superficial, then there was a blowout one Thanksgiving and I didn't see her for several years. We keep in touch mostly via email with the occasional phone call. I go home once a year, maybe twice depending on what's up with old friends in that area. Recently the husband and I have been talking about trying to have a baby next year, he made benefits and that was the big practical thing holding us back. We do have fights that I'm not crazy about, and that has gotten better, but it lead me to realize something that I was really concerned about. I often feel incredibly angry at him, and sometimes very resentful in an odd way, probably owing to the fact that I don't say everything on my mind, usually because it's something really unhelpful and angry, but I don't have a way to redirect it, so it sits there and seethes. And I see in this state, my mother. How she treated me when I was growing up was not awesome to put it lightly. But in this hateful state I've been finding myself in lately I see her emotions and treatment of me when I was growing up. And that has scared me a ton. Really, really I have been at a total loss as to how one could hate their own kid. Because that is what it feels like (I'm not proud of it but it happens). Sometimes a fight will come out of seemingly nowhere, and I cannot stand him. And so I've been thinking, well so this is how she felt. She really did hate me. And for a long while, well let's be honest, my entire life, I have had in the back of my mind that impression of parenthood from her: it really could be so bad that you wouldn't love your kid.
Ben and I have done a lot of work to mitigate our emotional triggers, and things have really gotten so much better in the past few months. But what I learned remained. It's been haunting me quite a bit. Until yesterday. Because yesterday Ben got the wild idea to go back to work on his geneaology research and decided to add me and start working on my side of his tree (thanks to ancestry.com's rules we can't just add each other and combine them). In doing so he discovered that my parents were not married when I was born. In fact, they didn't get married until I was almost 6 years old. A long time ago my (half) sister told me that our dad did not divorce her mom properly, he left, and they had to hire someone to find him. My mother had also told me that the reason my dad and Jane (my sister) didn't speak for 12 years was due to a "falling out" they had. In fact I didn't even know about his first family or my sister until I was 12 and they reunited at the funeral of a relative. So, when I add all this together, what it looks like is my parents were having an affair, and I came along, and then there was the leaving and so forth. And they couldn't get married because he wasn't divorced - because, why wait 6+ years, especially if you're super Catholic and pregnant?
My reaction to this news is nothing short of utter, utter delight. Because now it all makes sense. All the crap I took, her drinking and depression and resentment and anger, it all had very little to do with me, and very little to do with the normal impact of raising a kid. It was all about her own self-loathing, her Catholic guilt, and the upheaval of it all. For me, that kind of propriety has never mattered much, I mean, why beat yourself up about something like that? Shit happens. Worse, why be shitty to your kid because they're the reminder of the fact that shit happens?
I had no idea that there had been this lingering tension in the back of my mind for all this time, I only know it was there because now it's gone. I'm not genetically predisposed to hating parenthood or hating my kid, or even, owing to the fact that I don't beat myself up over shit happening, psychologically predisposed. I feel so relaxed about the idea of having a baby now, all the weird fears just dissolved yesterday. It's really remarkable. I haven't decided if I'll bring it up to her or not, I don't think there is any real reason to, she has never reacted well to me calling her on anything she ever did or said, claiming either to not remember or telling me to get over it without acknowledging much.
I can't remember when last I posted. I am now nearly done with clinic, although it is slow going. Lately I've been really craving more than the one-liner posting that facebook is for.
Lately I find that I'm more wound-up than usual. Part of it is the winter setting in, the restlessness that starts to get to me as it gets deeper. But part of it I can't put my finger on. I feel crankier. Angrier. There were/are a lot of frustrating things about the school I'm nearly done with that were almost impossible for me to deal with - mostly of the brick wall sort that leaves one's head bloody in trying to express *to* those in charge just what it's like to deal with them. I think I could've done a two year program, no problem. The fact that the clinic portion of school often takes one past the end-of-classes 3-year mark (my classes ended last summer) means that I'm into year 4 at this point. It's frustrating. I'm also frustrated with politics lately, with this administration that I thought would do some housecleaning. I have no delusions of what a freaking trainwreck situation the country would be in with Mr. Maverick and Caribou Barbie at the helm, but still. Frustrating. Add to this that I couldn't afford to re-up at the gym this semester (local small university allows the community in, and it is pretty good), and I'm soooooo cranky. I'm itching to be on to the next thing and feel very held back from it.
Looking forward to the holiday party I'm throwing this weekend. It will be fun.
So, the short story of the breakup is that while things turned to shite at the early part of the summer, I didn't really know why. Suddenly Aaron was calling me names, telling me to fuck off, despicable shit like that. It turned out that he was cheating on me with a 24 year old bartender whore named TANYA. Because apparently no one named Amber or Crystal or Bambi was around at the time. I officially learned of this when I pressed him on his arriving home at 6am on a Monday morning after his usual Sunday night playing music at the bar with his friends.
I was a wreck for all of August. At first I wanted to work things out but realized pretty shortly that what I really wanted was to just staunch the bleeding. I now feel very happy and so glad I'm rid of the relationship and him and all his crap. Well, most of his crap anyway. He offered, and I accepted, his offer of financial support until I'm done with school. He technically still lives here and now pays me an amount that is rent and what is basically palimony - I cannot afford the house while finishing school even with a regular paying housemate because I can only work part time, and can't make enough money. In truth, though, he lives with the Twinkie, hasn't spent a night here in months, and we are now agreeing that I'm going to get a regular paying roommate and he will pay the shortfall every month until I am done with school. And I get to keep Zoe, at least for now, because he cannot have her in the group home (I mean group house :) he is moving into.
We are not yet financially divorced. Due to his poor credit, dragging his feet and a paperwork snafu he has not yet succeeded in refinancing the car. So I won't sign to close our joint checking so I can see that he is paying that bill on time as well as the car insurance, in case he gets into a wreck so I'm not on the hook for a 10k pile of steel and fiberglass.
That's the necessary backstory for this little tidbit: they went to Vegas for a week for her friend's wedding. Took a Greyhound bus out there. Greyhound sent their stuff to Indy. They had to pay to replace all their clothes for the wedding and spent the last two days of the trip broke. Everybody now: awwwww! Now, I don't make the rules of karma, but you know, I couldn't help but smirk. Until just now, when he texts me to ask if I can transfer $40 into our joint account because he has to pay for every bag he's checking. Nice. There was $2.59 left in our checking. Because I like to be a gracious sort of person, I did it. I will get it back Friday when he gets paid, along with the next payment of his. I can't help but wonder why the twinkie couldn't pay, since she supposedly makes a lot more money than he does.
Poor LJ, dying a slow and agonizing death of attrition. I always think I ought to post more, and then I don't.
But then something occurred to me that would be too lengthy for Facebook. It seems to me, and hey all I really know of politics is due to living inside the beltway for 20 years and reading a lot, it's not like it's my job or something, but it seems to me that in this new "war on terror" thing that we are apparently stuck with, that we're going about it all wrong. War in the graveyard of empires, the unending quagmire of Iraq, wrong wrong wrong. We're making more terrorists than we're rooting out (which I'm sure is someone's idea of supporting the military-industrial complex and giving us a manufactured enemy to keep us all from looking to closely at what's going on here at home, but I digress), and when someone's father goes to officials to warn them that his nutjob son might be plotting something nefarious there aren't proper channels to at least get the guy hassled to the nth degree when he tries to get on a plane. I mean, because that's all it would really take. Some extra searching and the guy wouldn't have gotten off the ground, and would've been incarcerated before the plane even left the gate. We really ought to get outside the goddamn box with this shit.
In other news, I'm immeasurably happy these days. Aaron is basically living with the twinkie, and good riddance! :)
You were a good person to know. And I am glad we were friends. I cannot describe how saddened and shocked I was to hear about you dying. People have started to say this word "passing", as though somehow all of this has been one big day at school and then you get to graduate. I don't get this. So I don't say it.
Working every day with someone for 5+ years, you take the good with the bad. You were always smart and very tolerant of a hot-headed girl right out of college, and though we knocked heads occasionally it never lingered. Course there was that day I got so mad at you I nearly drove my car into yours as I left the parking lot. Glad I didn't do that. You probably never knew that crossed my mind. It was a long time ago, I was 23, and I went up to the mall to buy a dress for my first official date with David right after that. The good thing about working with a bunch of guys, I've found, is that conflicts come up and get addressed and then go away pretty fast. Not a lot of grudge holding. We've been friends for a long long time. I loved your stories and was always so impressed by how clean you kept your paintbrushes over the years, as if they'd never been used. You probably didn't know that either. I loved that you got the guys together and you all walked out after another one of John's tirades. Wish I'd been there to see that!
There was a lot more you didn't know. You didn't know that every time I went to Rhode Island I wanted to bring you back some soupy, I'd done that a few times but really, I started at some point to associate you with going home. This year, just last month, I was supposed to go up, and I didn't. But when I was planning it I thought, oh I will get Danny some soupy and go down to the shop to see him. I didn't go up. And I didn't go to see you, even though I'd been thinking of you a lot for several weeks. I thought of you yesterday when I noticed the date. It has been 10 years since I quit the shop, and you've been there for 15 I thought. Then I thought it looked like I would get up this fall, and that meant going to the cider mill, and I'd bring you back some cider like I did all those years ago. And this time your housemate wouldn't drink half of it. I would like to think you knew that I was thinking about you, because I would do stuff like that. I hope you did, because I was.
I am sorry I didn't know you had cancer. It can't have been all that long since the last time I've seen you, maybe a year? I guess that is about how often I've gone down there, once or twice a year. I wish I'd known your mood had shifted with being sick. I wish I'd told you all these things.
A fire. What an awful way to go. I can't breathe for a moment when I think of how panic stricken you must have been. Were you looking for the cat? We'll never know. You didn't deserve such an end.
I'll always remember your stories about your mom, and that sick tree, and life and all the other things you chose to impart over the years, and the times we spent working together. Like when you joked that watering your garden was like giving the plants welfare. And sweeping the shop with you listening to the Dead the day Jerry Garcia died. The first project we ever did together ripping all that damn masonite into 2" strips (and then beveling BOTH edges) to make tambor for the Baseball2Nite set because John was too cheap to buy it made. And then no one getting to see the set ever because that was the year the baseball strike happened!
Storm clouds have been rolling this way for at least an hour. I have to go bring the houseplants inside before the rain comes.
so i know i have posted many times on here about my relationship frustrations. the other day, after being told to "fuck off" for being upset about something aaron did, i ended it. i almost backslid the day after, but maintained my strength.
i have started to see a pattern of abusiveness emerging. for a long time there were things that i thought we could work on, and behaviors that i thought he would work on if he agreed he had them, but i can't really ignore it anymore. i certainly have things that i consistently work on, having recognized them a long time ago. i expected that we could improve the areas that weren't functioning around our communication. and i was wrong. right now he's being very nice and helpful and sweet and asking what he can do around the house, and i've begun to phase out the things i have always done in the relationship for him/us around the house.
the day he threw the dog toy at me i spent the day in the kind of teary haze that out-of-the-blue incidents like this would cause when i was a kid.
and this last "fuck off" was it. done and done. please find someone else to throw things at and tell to fuck off. i will not have this in my home. i swore to myself every time some shitty thing happened to me when i was a kid, every mommie dearest moment my mother had, that i would never ever have these kinds of things happen when i was out of the house.
i don't think he will be moving out immediately, which might mean a financial disaster for me considering how little work there has been this year. but i have contingency plans i can implement.
and i won't just be fine. i will be unbelievably awesomely fantastic.
thanks to all who have said such supportive things to me over previous posts about this issue. it has meant very much to me and been very helpful. :)
astounding! it is june 15th, and it is 73 degrees outside! It is as though I've moved to Maine or something.
In other news, my intern year has begun. After passing my comps and finals I finally started clinic last month. It is really great to be out of the theory of the classroom and being more hands-on. I don't have a first patient quite yet, and didn't realize how much wrangling of conversations and information would be involved in getting any of the many people who have said they want to come see me for acupuncture actually in the door.
Learning to wrangle paperwork has been... not fun. I suppose if it were my system it would be fun, but someone else's system always seems arbitrary to me.
We planted some vegetables in the garden last week, plus some flower seeds. None of the seeds I put in pots came up, which may mean I'm never buying seeds online from Park Seed again. We are hoping to cut down the giant pine trees that block our porch's view of the neighborhood, but I'm super sad about killing them. They are very nice trees, they just don't belong where they are. And I want rose bushes. But still, it seems a shame to just kill perfectly nice trees.
Other than that, life is boring. It is reading week so no school this week, hallelujah. Oh, did the in & out for Clapton/Winwood, and didn't get to hear any of the show because they sent us all to catering (an entirely seperate room) instead of just one end of the arena for the last half hour of the show. Bitches.
Dear Senator Specter,
Thank you for bringing your pro-choice, pro-union, pro-gay rights, pro-science self over to Team Democrat. Congratulations on being # 60.
Now maybe Norm Coleman will give up being the sore, lawsuit-bringing loser and let Al Franken be seated, since now he's not the dude who'll be blamed by his repug colleagues for 'giving' democrats the magic filibuster-proof majority.
Man I'm bummed I missed the announcement when it was made today, it's what I get for being flattened on my couch by a killer migraine. Traded cold damp weather for hot dry weather and went from pain in my hands to pain in my head.
so, i have a couple of old aol accounts that i don't use for much but receipts for online things, so my regular email doesn't get junked up.
recently, something i found ridiculously amusing happened. i went to sign on and noticed that i had something like 75 emails, which is really unusual for this one account. turns out something had gone drastically wrong with the Pan Am Symphony's server, and instead of "unsubscribe" emails going to the symphony, they got sucked into some vortex where they spun back around and came to everyone on their listserv, as though each person were the symphony. first the replies were just "unsubscribe", then people got annoyed. then people got PISSED OFF. it was fucking hilarious. the most amusing thing was that droves of folks kept telling everyone not to hit "reply all", even though it seemed pretty obvious that it was a malfunction of just emailing to unsubscribe.
it was quite possibly the funniest chain of online weirdness i've ever seen. i probably got about 100 emails over the course of nearly a week. the very last one was an apology from the symphony itself offering 2 for 1 tickets to their next show in May.
funniest of all: "Why You email Me??? I am Professional and nothing to do with Symphony!!!!"